How a book group helped mend my broken heart

Last night saw the final session with our current book group and it got me thinking about how, unknown to them, our meetings over the year have helped me to put myself back together.

In March, instead of attending the first official meeting of our newly formed book group, I was in hospital following a silent miscarriage. I lost my baby at 12 weeks, 6 days and the grief and heartbreak ripped me apart. I was hurting, lost, scared by advice that said the pain would never go away and wondering if I would ever learn to cope. I found myself questioning the big stuff, religion, life, death because I needed something to alleviate the pain I was feeling.

When all I wanted to do each night was cry away the grief that had been building throughout the day, I found myself stuck with the book group obligation. The group was in it's infancy and I was committed to making it work. There's something about a good book group that brings the books to life and, through podcasts, we wanted to take the essence of these discussions and make them available for all. No matter what had happened in my private life, I didn't want to back down from this commitment.

Books have always been my comfort in times of need and it was the books from the club that reached out and pulled me back. There were some I couldn't do, a surprising amount mentioned miscarriage, and once that happened I wouldn't read further (In the Kingdom of Men, Where'd you go Bernadette, Norwegian by Night). But for the rest talking about the books was a way to put my grief aside. When you've read the same book as someone else the conversation is easy and when it's a whole group of like-minded book lovers, the conversation is endless.

The time spent reading the books was time spent not crying or endlessly daydreaming about what might have been and I learnt from the characters. Hattie, who lost her baby twins to pneumonia and went on to have 9 more to try and fill the gap but never really succeeded, Harry from May We Be Forgiven who stumbled through life doing crazy things but captivating the reader anyway and most of all Sally and Larry and Charity and Sid, the two central couples in Crossing to Safety, a novel which shows a full lifetimes of ups and downs and celebrates the small things.

So my fragile heart became heavy when we said our goodbyes particularly as this group of women (and one man) will never quite know just how much emotional strength I took from our meetings. Next week we meet our new group of readers and I am seriously looking forward to the adventures we will discover together within the pages of some really good books.

A rainy weekend

This weekend the three of us stayed at home, the weather has turned cold and it's been tipping down with rain. We had plenty of fun though, our weekend was mainly about a boy and his cat and yummy homemade meals, something like this:

Painting Thomas posters, he was given these for his birthday and we found them when we raided the craft box for rainy day inspiration.

Brio trains and Duplo, his bedroom has turned into a railway line, with a big station/farm in the middle.

Cheesy pasta bake. I also made tomato soup, leak and potato soup and beef stew this weekend! The boy is coming on strides with better eating, and ate 5 pieces of carrot as well as most of his tomato soup and pasta.

Playing with Baxter. Our little cat follows us around from room to room and loves to play with the boy. There was also plenty of chasing up and down the house with C after B or B after C and the toy mouse.

We also, went food shopping, scooted in the park, Daddy and C scrapbooked whilst I tidied up our junk room and watched a lot of films - Tinkerbell, Lady & the Tramp and Pirates in Adventures with Scientists.

Hooray for quiet family weekends.

Who's this big boy and where's my baby gone?

The boy is exactly that, with the house move the last fleeting glimses of baby and early toddlerhood are behind us and I am the mother of a boy.

 

He no longer needs to be coddled, he loves to be with me but I have to ask if I want a hug. He won't happily let me make the decisions - he knows what programmes he wants to watch (Busy Town and Dora, Thomas and Peppa), which clothes he wants to wear (t-shirts not jumpers, shorts not trousers) and which books he wants to be read to from (Haunted House not Mog). He has always put up a fight about eating but is now open to trying more ("I actually like carrots Mummy") and can be reasoned with.

 

He loves the kitten ("Baxter is my pet Mummy") and is slowly learning how to be kind and play nicely with him ("no you do not kick the cat because he scratched you", "yes he'll purr if he's happy with you"). We threaten to give Baxter away if he hurts him and that is enough to get him to stop pulling him out from under the chair or chasing after him like a screaming banshee. And that little cat loves Charlie, he follows him around the house and rolls on his tummy for a tickle from the boy.

 

His ability to learn is amazing, his memory is good and I trust he's telling the truth when I ask him how many reward jelly beans he's owed or what he did at nursery. He can count to 20 and sing the alphabet. Last weekend we got the paints out and he was fascinated by mixing to make a new colour. He produced a muddy purple but loved that when we added white it became a pretty lilac.

 

Trains is still the governing force in his little life. We collect Thomas Take n Go, and although he has lots of other toys, it is really only these he now plays with. Thomas goes to bed with him and waits on the table for him whilst he's at nursery. He has four identical Thomas trains but knows if you try and fob him off with one of the others, I don't know how he knew when they were all brand new but his special Thomas is now missing an eyebrow and has less coal in his painted on tender where the constant holding has rubbed them away.

 

He is going through a 'terrible three' stage where everything is something to be negotiated with and 'no' is his favourite word, but complete and utter meltdowns are rare and he still mainly does what we ask.

 

He's scared of the dark and of 'monsters', we've watered down Fabreeze to make monster spray which is now duly sprayed around his room (and ours) at bedtime and have got a bedside table and Thomas nightlight (which turns into a torch), but it is rare we get through a whole night without him waking up scared in the early hours, or waking up early and coming into bed with us. This is one phase I hope he gets through pretty soon!

 

The red scooter C got for Christmas has finally come into it's own. He uses it constantly and now goes fast enough to wear knee, elbow and wrist pads. Today we went 'extreme toddler running' which was fun, I took Charlie on the scooter when I went for a run, and it was brilliant. He scoots at a fast jog pace and when he gets tired I pull him along on the scooter lead. We ran round the lake in the local park and got lots of comments and smiles from the dog walkers.

 

He talks about the future and makes plans involving his friends and cousin and grandparents. He is compiling a birthday list for May! not realising that Christmas is sooner. He knows our routine inside out and is constantly trying to negotiate not having to go in the shopping trolley hours before we go to the supermarket.

 

So three is a trying age but we love it anyway!