Wednesday, 27 March 2013

The reality of what I've lost

12 days after the ERPC operation I had after my silent miscarriage I am physically better. The bleeding is slowing and I'm no longer taking pain meds for the occasional cramps I still get. However the emotional side effects are still emerging and today it struck me what it is that I've lost. It wasn't just a 12 week foetus that was removed from me, it was:

- A life time of love and nurturing, of birthdays and schools and university and jobs.
- A September birthday and the chance to be one of the oldest in their year group. 
- A nine month maternity break from work (during our busy Christmas period). 
- The opportunity to lessen the guilt of being a full time working Mum to my first son before he starts infant school as there is no longer a maternity leave to allow him to only be a part time nursery attendee. 
- The widening age gap between my first and second born.
- The timing of this birth with other family announcements. 
- The peace of mind of only ever experiencing a good pregnancy and not being on future tenterhooks at every tiny pregnancy discomfort or symptom. 

It feels like my life has split down a different road, chaos theory in full blown Technicolor. The plans and hopes and dreams I had, have been ripped away to be replaced with a much much harder road to travel, the heartache I have experienced and the heartache I know I have to come are almost unbearable. 

And just right now I have no positive end paragraph, people say time will help but how can time help when the one thing I thought I'd have was a lifetime with this little one? 


  1. Oh Meg, this makes me want to cry. I've been where you are, and it's a terrible experience, one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I feel your loss so acutely through your words and I feel for you so much. Saying Goodbye is another organisation that you might want to consider getting in touch with. Another blogger I follow had a late miscarriage and I know talking to them helped her a lot.

    Big Hugs x

    1. Thanks for your reply, the Saying Goodbye site is really useful and just working out if I want to go along to one of the events xx

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps to read how others are feeling and makes me feel less alone in my feelings. I too had a silent miscarriage (it would have been my first child) which I discovered when I when for a scan at 13 weeks (4 weeks ago now). I have been feeling all of the emotions which you have listed. I know we will never forget what we have lost but I hope that there are happier times ahead for both of us.


    1. Thank you so much for your comment, I'm so sorry for your loss, miscarriage is just so hard isn't it? I'm glad you were able to get some comfort and best of luck in going on to have your rainbow baby xx


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