20.09.13 - Today is the day I've been dreading, it would have been my due date for the baby I lost in March. I had hoped by now I would be pregnant again, but that's not happened and so there is nothing to soften the blow.
Miscarriage does not get any easier with time, in my experience it has only gotten harder. It's not any easier to hide my hurt and although sometimes I can go a whole day without thinking of the baby I lost, that broken empty feeling is never too far away.
I count the passing months by all the special dates that are missed. It's a blessing to have already had one successful pregnancy but also a curse that I know what should be happening when. When each scan should have been, when we should have been decorating the nursery and buying those necessities and when my maternity leave should have started.
I count the passing months in announcements, since it happened amongst my friends four babies have been born and six pregnancies have been announced, each time this news, which under any previous circumstance would have made me so happy, has been a physical blow to my very core. No matter how much my head tells my heart to be reasonable the intense jealousy I feel is overwhelming, here are ten lives which will be lived whilst the life I had within me for 12 short weeks will not.
I count the passing months with an ever increasing amount of ovulation and pregnancy tests caught in a cycle of hope and despair.
September has been very hard, it started badly with the pains in my lower back making me walk just like the pregnant woman I should have been whilst the pain meds made me groggy and I've found it harder and harder to keep my feelings in check as today's date drew nearer. But forcing myself to spend time sorting through these feeling has helped. I've read the Miscarriage Association and Saying Goodbye sites back to front, I've re-read all the posts I've written about what happened and I've decided that today is the day I need to put everything to rest, to post the posts and the weekly stats I started when I first discovered I was pregnant and to continue to look to the future. So here they are:
20.01.13 - Two little pink lines
I write this knowing I can't post it for 12 weeks, but I want to record my exact emotions and thoughts on this, the 20th January 2013, the day those two little lines showed up announcing the presence of baby number two.
We started trying a while ago and I was beginning to worry (quite a lot) that something was wrong. in fact we took a break over December and were waiting for my period so I could work out ovulation dates to start again. In a foolish way I was actually annoyed with my body for being 'late' and delaying us from trying. I was pretty certain I wasn't but Tom joked that maybe I was and that gave me the nudge to buy a test.
It's been snowing for the last 3 days, the car was snowed in so I took a solo bus trip to Sainsburys to pick up some essentials. Pregnancy tests are kept behind the chemist counter and I almost didn't get one as the queue was long. Back at home I made spaghetti for lunch, had a netmum collect C's learn n groove (yes we gave it away for free) and put the boy down for his nap. I then took the test. Almost instantly (no waiting 5 mins for me) two pink lines appeared and I couldn't stop smiling. I told T immediately and for the next couple of hours whilst C slept I allowed my thoughts to fully focus on all things baby. I'm so excited about this little bundle I can't wait for the next eight months to whizz by.