I felt it was time to put down in words how I'm coping after finding out about my silent miscarriage on 12th March. Six weeks feels like the right time to do this, if I'd chosen to let nature take it's course, six weeks was the maximum time that it could happen safely without surgical intervention. Some days it feels like I've been grieving forever and also like no time at all has passed, but looking back, I'm glad I chose the surgery option and had my ERPC two days after finding out rather then waiting until now for it to happen naturally.
I've got all these little bits and pieces bumping around my head, so will write them down as coherently as possible to help me continue to move forward.
- Daily wobbles. Nothing's lessened with time, I still feel all the grief I did on that day six weeks ago. At the moment it's like I'm split in two, my rational self who can cope with day to day living and is in control 90% of the time and my emotional self who is one step away from a whole vortex of grief. Sometimes I wobble but can take that step back and sometimes I fall into it completely.Things that have triggered this in the last few weeks are:
- The doctor's not updating their system so I was sent a text reminding me of an appointment. When I phoned up (during work) to find out what the appointment was for, it was my 16 week midwife check up. Gutting. I had a big wobble, shed some tears but was able to pull it together and be back at my desk before anyone noticed.
- My book group discussing a book I'd read almost a year ago, I'd brushed up on the main facts but forgotten the heroine has a miscarriage at the start of the book. When this came up in the conversation I had a tiny wobble but held my breath and blinked my eyes and mentally coaxed myself away from the vortex so as not to break down in front of others.
- My son casually saying to me 'when we have our baby', he's too little to understand that after two months of telling him he'd be a big brother in the future that future is much further away.
- I'm currently off work with a gastric stomach bug, being violently sick brought back too many raw memories from the last week of my pregnancy when I was sick on a daily basis.
- My worst situation was a curve ball taking me completely by surprise and happened when sorting out holiday at work. This wasn't a wobble I was fully taken over by grief and had to leave the office. It was drizzling and I went to a nearby square, sat on a bench in the rain and just cried and cried and the really scary thing was that I couldn't stop. I couldn't calm down, all I could think about was that when we booked that holiday I would have been 7 months pregnant and now I won't be. I should have gone home, but had a commitment I couldn't get out of that evening, so after a long time looking like a crazy person in the rain, I dried my eyes and read my book over a latte in a nearby coffee shop until I'd calmed down enough to return to work.
- No secret. When you have a miscarriage it's like you've been forced to lay all your cards on the table. The months of trying to conceive and then hiding early pregnancy have been a happy secret and suddenly wham, the news is out there, family and friends and colleagues all know that you want another baby. I believe we were right to tell the people we did about the miscarriage, but now, six weeks down the line, it's uncomfortable having so many people holding this knowledge and waiting to hear that you're pregnant again.
- Draft posts. I have a few draft posts I wrote about the pregnancy and was waiting to publish further down the line once we'd announced it. Yesterday I accidently deleted one, it was called 'Morning Sickness and Other Fun Things' and basically complained about how sick I was feeling at 8 weeks but how worthwhile it would all be in 7 months time. I wrote it on my phone using the blogger app and assumed it had synced to my main account. Yesterday I had issues with the app so uninstalled it and when I reinstalled it that post was missing. When I feel strong enough I guess I need to edit the others into one post, including the week by week stat images I'd started to create, and then publish them, because I don't think I could bear accidently losing any more.
-Saying Goodbye. Another blogger recommended this website and I've found it really useful, I'm now seriously considering attending one of the cathedral services.
-Pinterest. Surprisingly putting together a board on Pinterest has been really helpful. It's secret board at the moment, but there are so many inspirational pins with quotes and help and beautiful images that I wish I'd discovered it sooner. My favourites make up the image at the start of this post.