Recently...

Over the last couple of months we've (L-R):

Visited the Science Museum with best friend C
Played with Daddy
Made a Halloween pumpkin
Rearraged my cookery books
Watched bonfire night fireworks
Let Baxter outside for the first time
Dressed as a skeleton for Halloween fun at nursery
Visited the garden centre and bought a little bush to sit by the front door and tulip and daffodil bulbs for the window boxes
Played with torches in the dark
Mama visited the Cheltenham Literature Festival
Got smart Monster's Inc. winter pjs
Wore our poppies for Remembrance Day
Played lots of trains
Set up the study
Painted
Had boiled eggs and soldiers for breakfast
Built Duplo towers
Played with Baxter
Homemade macaroni cheese with broccoli
Poached eggs for Mama
Marvelled at the steam trains in the Science Museum
Bought coffee
Stanley & Wilf
Made welly boot drip trays from the pebbles we collected on holiday
Looked at the model of Stephenson's Rocket at the Science Museum
Read

Five currant buns

Five currant buns in the baker's shop,
Fat and round with sugar on the top.
Along came.................... with a penny one day,
Bought a currant bun and took it away.

Charlie has just learnt this song at nursery and he loves it. 

He was singing it all Saturday morning, so we bought cake making ingredients whilst at the supermarket and in the afternoon he helped me make some buns. We added lemon and orange to  make them extra yummy. We made some chocolate chip ones too and his verdict? "Mummy I prefer chocolate chips to currants, remember that please". Cheeky little monkey! He's still singing the song though.

How a book group helped mend my broken heart

Last night saw the final session with our current book group and it got me thinking about how, unknown to them, our meetings over the year have helped me to put myself back together.

In March, instead of attending the first official meeting of our newly formed book group, I was in hospital following a silent miscarriage. I lost my baby at 12 weeks, 6 days and the grief and heartbreak ripped me apart. I was hurting, lost, scared by advice that said the pain would never go away and wondering if I would ever learn to cope. I found myself questioning the big stuff, religion, life, death because I needed something to alleviate the pain I was feeling.

When all I wanted to do each night was cry away the grief that had been building throughout the day, I found myself stuck with the book group obligation. The group was in it's infancy and I was committed to making it work. There's something about a good book group that brings the books to life and, through podcasts, we wanted to take the essence of these discussions and make them available for all. No matter what had happened in my private life, I didn't want to back down from this commitment.

Books have always been my comfort in times of need and it was the books from the club that reached out and pulled me back. There were some I couldn't do, a surprising amount mentioned miscarriage, and once that happened I wouldn't read further (In the Kingdom of Men, Where'd you go Bernadette, Norwegian by Night). But for the rest talking about the books was a way to put my grief aside. When you've read the same book as someone else the conversation is easy and when it's a whole group of like-minded book lovers, the conversation is endless.

The time spent reading the books was time spent not crying or endlessly daydreaming about what might have been and I learnt from the characters. Hattie, who lost her baby twins to pneumonia and went on to have 9 more to try and fill the gap but never really succeeded, Harry from May We Be Forgiven who stumbled through life doing crazy things but captivating the reader anyway and most of all Sally and Larry and Charity and Sid, the two central couples in Crossing to Safety, a novel which shows a full lifetimes of ups and downs and celebrates the small things.

So my fragile heart became heavy when we said our goodbyes particularly as this group of women (and one man) will never quite know just how much emotional strength I took from our meetings. Next week we meet our new group of readers and I am seriously looking forward to the adventures we will discover together within the pages of some really good books.

A rainy weekend

This weekend the three of us stayed at home, the weather has turned cold and it's been tipping down with rain. We had plenty of fun though, our weekend was mainly about a boy and his cat and yummy homemade meals, something like this:

Painting Thomas posters, he was given these for his birthday and we found them when we raided the craft box for rainy day inspiration.

Brio trains and Duplo, his bedroom has turned into a railway line, with a big station/farm in the middle.

Cheesy pasta bake. I also made tomato soup, leak and potato soup and beef stew this weekend! The boy is coming on strides with better eating, and ate 5 pieces of carrot as well as most of his tomato soup and pasta.

Playing with Baxter. Our little cat follows us around from room to room and loves to play with the boy. There was also plenty of chasing up and down the house with C after B or B after C and the toy mouse.

We also, went food shopping, scooted in the park, Daddy and C scrapbooked whilst I tidied up our junk room and watched a lot of films - Tinkerbell, Lady & the Tramp and Pirates in Adventures with Scientists.

Hooray for quiet family weekends.

Who's this big boy and where's my baby gone?

The boy is exactly that, with the house move the last fleeting glimses of baby and early toddlerhood are behind us and I am the mother of a boy.

 

He no longer needs to be coddled, he loves to be with me but I have to ask if I want a hug. He won't happily let me make the decisions - he knows what programmes he wants to watch (Busy Town and Dora, Thomas and Peppa), which clothes he wants to wear (t-shirts not jumpers, shorts not trousers) and which books he wants to be read to from (Haunted House not Mog). He has always put up a fight about eating but is now open to trying more ("I actually like carrots Mummy") and can be reasoned with.

 

He loves the kitten ("Baxter is my pet Mummy") and is slowly learning how to be kind and play nicely with him ("no you do not kick the cat because he scratched you", "yes he'll purr if he's happy with you"). We threaten to give Baxter away if he hurts him and that is enough to get him to stop pulling him out from under the chair or chasing after him like a screaming banshee. And that little cat loves Charlie, he follows him around the house and rolls on his tummy for a tickle from the boy.

 

His ability to learn is amazing, his memory is good and I trust he's telling the truth when I ask him how many reward jelly beans he's owed or what he did at nursery. He can count to 20 and sing the alphabet. Last weekend we got the paints out and he was fascinated by mixing to make a new colour. He produced a muddy purple but loved that when we added white it became a pretty lilac.

 

Trains is still the governing force in his little life. We collect Thomas Take n Go, and although he has lots of other toys, it is really only these he now plays with. Thomas goes to bed with him and waits on the table for him whilst he's at nursery. He has four identical Thomas trains but knows if you try and fob him off with one of the others, I don't know how he knew when they were all brand new but his special Thomas is now missing an eyebrow and has less coal in his painted on tender where the constant holding has rubbed them away.

 

He is going through a 'terrible three' stage where everything is something to be negotiated with and 'no' is his favourite word, but complete and utter meltdowns are rare and he still mainly does what we ask.

 

He's scared of the dark and of 'monsters', we've watered down Fabreeze to make monster spray which is now duly sprayed around his room (and ours) at bedtime and have got a bedside table and Thomas nightlight (which turns into a torch), but it is rare we get through a whole night without him waking up scared in the early hours, or waking up early and coming into bed with us. This is one phase I hope he gets through pretty soon!

 

The red scooter C got for Christmas has finally come into it's own. He uses it constantly and now goes fast enough to wear knee, elbow and wrist pads. Today we went 'extreme toddler running' which was fun, I took Charlie on the scooter when I went for a run, and it was brilliant. He scoots at a fast jog pace and when he gets tired I pull him along on the scooter lead. We ran round the lake in the local park and got lots of comments and smiles from the dog walkers.

 

He talks about the future and makes plans involving his friends and cousin and grandparents. He is compiling a birthday list for May! not realising that Christmas is sooner. He knows our routine inside out and is constantly trying to negotiate not having to go in the shopping trolley hours before we go to the supermarket.

 

So three is a trying age but we love it anyway!

 

 

Isabel

Yesterday we went to see Isabel, our new niece and Charlie's new cousin. She was just one week old and very tiny (6lbs,11oz at birth).

Charlie was a little out of sorts but loved seeing the new baby. He's not been around many babies so was ever so curious, he kissed her head and smelt that new baby smell, he asked lots of questions particularly about breastfeeding, including "why is she licking her Mummy's tummy?" which had us in giggles.

We gave our presents and had cuddles with the baby. Tom was a doting uncle and little I had a big long sleep on him. C played with his trains and on the Kindle and helped Uncle S take the compost out (a treat, he loves doing this!), but kept coming back to see the baby.

The new Mummy and Daddy were not too tired having had 7 hours sleep the previous night and having N's Mum there to help out for a few days.

I'd made a lasagne for lunch (this brilliant cheats version from Waitrose (with added mushrooms)) and we had apple pie and custard for pudding. After lunch we went for a walk to the local play park. C burnt off some of his toddler energy on a big yellow slide, which he loved and then he was incredibly happy to see Granny and Grandad who called in on their way home from Norfolk to see both their grandchildren together!

So a lovely day meeting the newest member of the family.

Today

20.09.13 - Today is the day I've been dreading, it would have been my due date for the baby I lost in March. I had hoped by now I would be pregnant again, but that's not happened and so there is nothing to soften the blow.

 

Miscarriage does not get any easier with time, in my experience it has only gotten harder. It's not any easier to hide my hurt and although sometimes I can go a whole day without thinking of the baby I lost, that broken empty feeling is never too far away.

 

I count the passing months by all the special dates that are missed. It's a blessing to have already had one successful pregnancy but also a curse that I know what should be happening when. When each scan should have been, when we should have been decorating the nursery and buying those necessities and when my maternity leave should have started.

 

I count the passing months in announcements, since it happened amongst my friends four babies have been born and six pregnancies have been announced, each time this news, which under any previous circumstance would have made me so happy, has been a physical blow to my very core. No matter how much my head tells my heart to be reasonable the intense jealousy I feel is overwhelming, here are ten lives which will be lived whilst the life I had within me for 12 short weeks will not.

 

I count the passing months with an ever increasing amount of ovulation and pregnancy tests caught in a cycle of hope and despair.

 

September has been very hard, it started badly with the pains in my lower back making me walk just like the pregnant woman I should have been whilst the pain meds made me groggy and I've found it harder and harder to keep my feelings in check as today's date drew nearer. But forcing myself to spend time sorting through these feeling has helped. I've read the Miscarriage Association and Saying Goodbye sites back to front, I've re-read all the posts I've written about what happened and I've decided that today is the day I need to put everything to rest, to post the posts and the weekly stats I started when I first discovered I was pregnant and to continue to look to the future. So here they are:

20.01.13 - Two little pink lines

I write this knowing I can't post it for 12 weeks, but I want to record my exact emotions and thoughts on this, the 20th January 2013, the day those two little lines showed up announcing the presence of baby number two.

We started trying a while ago and I was beginning to worry (quite a lot) that something was wrong. in fact we took a break over December and were waiting for my period so I could work out ovulation dates to start again. In a foolish way I was actually annoyed with my body for being 'late' and delaying us from trying. I was pretty certain I wasn't but Tom joked that maybe I was and that gave me the nudge to buy a test.

It's been snowing for the last 3 days, the car was snowed in so I took a solo bus trip to Sainsburys to pick up some essentials. Pregnancy tests are kept behind the chemist counter and I almost didn't get one as the queue was long. Back at home I made spaghetti for lunch, had a netmum collect C's learn n groove (yes we gave it away for free) and put the boy down for his nap. I then took the test. Almost instantly (no waiting 5 mins for me) two pink lines appeared and I couldn't stop smiling. I told T immediately and for the next couple of hours whilst C slept I allowed my thoughts to fully focus on all things baby. I'm so excited about this little bundle I can't wait for the next eight months to whizz by. 

On a frivolous note the test I took for C showed two blue lines, this little blimp's lines are pink...

 

 

A very fine uncle

My Great Uncle Gordon died yesterday, he was elderly and it happened suddenly. This post is dedicated to him; I wanted to share the memories I have of this kind, jovial man.

Gordon was my Gran's younger brother, she had an older sister too, Betty. Gran grew up in Cheshire and moved south after she was married settling in West Sussex where my Mum and Aunty Pam lived for most of their childhoods. Gordon and Betty stayed up in Cheshire and as children Mum and Pam would tell us stories of wonderful family get togethers of aunts and uncles and cousins. Because these three siblings didn't see each other very often, when they got together the sense of fun they all shared made for some wonderful meet ups.

We didn't see our Cheshire relatives very regularly (there is also my Great Aunty Jean, my Gran's sister-in-law and of course the rest of Jean, Gordon and Betty's families) but I do remember staying up there for big events, a few weddings when I was very little and my Gran's 60th, where my cousins and I spent most of the night fascinated by the glass washer and happily collected everyone's empties to wash and shine.

It was when I was about 14 that I got to know Gordon better, by then his wife, Audrey, had passed away and he and my Aunty Jean (who were friends though not actually related: he was my Gran's brother and she was my Grandad's sister) started what became an almost annual event of coming to stay with us in Wiltshire for a week in the summer holidays. Those weeks were something to look forward to, we would take Gordon and Jean for days out to the seaside, or local places of natural beauty - hills and woods etc. - for pub lunches in pretty rural villages and to visit my Aunty Pam and her family. And there were also days spent at home, picking fruit in the garden, playing scrabble and walking the dog. Gordon would bring Flossie, his one-eyed Sheltie (Shetland Sheepdog) a lovely tempered little thing, who terrified our cats but made everyone else smile, particularly Jean who loved spoiling her. Here are some of my favourite memories from those weeks:

- Gordon's pipe. The smell of pipe smoke was irrefutably his. He smoked outside during his stays in our non-smoking household, but, for me, the smell of tobacco gave him an exotic air. He'd wander in the garden, particularly in the summer evenings having a quiet smoke and if I were to join him he would point out some little detail he'd been watching, birds or clouds, or talk about something from the day.

- Gordon's accent. My mum inherited her northern A's from her parents, I inherited mine from her, but growing up in the south tempered this somewhat, at secondary school I tried to change to southern A's with mixed success (my brother did it better) and Charlie has inherited some northern A's from me, which Tom points out quite regularly. So having this booming voiced, happy, jovial uncle arrive and fill the house with his quite brilliant northern accent helped show the teenage me that there was nothing wrong with having northern A's (check out the film below, where after just a few days with them, I'm already mimicking that accent!). He also had some sayings I'd never heard before, a family favourite was 'What a palaver' attributed to him saying it when things went wrong i.e. one time we had a whole episode of chasing an escaped duck and her ducklings and after we'd caught them we found out they were actually wild. My brother used the 'What a palaver' saying (spoken in Gordon's accent) to very good effect!

- Gordon's car. In the summer when I was 17 my driving test fell in the week that Gordon and Jean came to stay. I was having to take the test in a car different to my normal instructor's one and it was exactly the same as Gordon's. He let me sit in his and practise before the test. This turned out to be a waste of time as the test was voided (the replacement car broke down) but it was good of him to let me practise anyway. We had lunch in a particularly lovely pub that day and both he and Jean gave big commiserations and helped cheer me up.

- Flossie dog. Flossie was quite elderly when they first started visiting and only had one eye, which made her a bit snappy if you came up suddenly on her blind side. But she was ever so friendly, well trained and adored my uncle. We would take her to a local dog groomer for a wash and trim and I remember feeling mortified because I accidently hit the car boot onto Gordon's head one time when we went to pick her up - he made a big joke of it afterwards. Jean once brought back a half eaten ham hock for Flossie from one of our pub lunches.

- His memories. Gordon once told us about the war and how his Dad kept open containers of petrol in their cellar and also about having to use whisky to clear the car windscreen when driving in a snowstorm.

So finally here's a film. I took this with my first digital camera in 2002, I was 21 and home from uni for the summer. The camera I had bought with some of the inheritance left to me from my Gran, who died in 2001, and I loved it. By today's standards the film is of poor quality and the camera would only shoot 80 seconds at a time. It shows Jean and Mum and Gordon at a canal side pub, my filming is atrocious but I love it anyway as it's one of just two films I have from those holidays.

Gordon and Dad, August 2002

The changing of seasons

Summer here has fallen quickly and suddenly into autumn. The warmth replaced with a chill at the beginning and end of the day. For the first time we've had the heating on for that first hour when 5am starts are made worse by the cold.

My walk home from book club last night was a glorious mix of summer and autumn. The sky was navy blue with a chill so dense you could have cut it. The air was seasoned with wood smoke from someone's cosy fireplace yet the heady scent of summer's roses grasped at me as I walked passed the neighbourhood gardens. I was pleased I'd worn my winter coat and the faint clip of my boots was satisfying after months of flip flop use.

This morning was another story, the house was freezing but when I left for the 6am train the weather was wet and mild and so fir today the promise of a crisp autumn has retreated.

The Pickerupper

5 weeks ago I hurt my back. Real bad. No one thing did it but the doctor said I'd pulled a lower muscle, that I shouldn't bend over and prescribed a strong painkiller for 3 weeks and 7 nights of tranquilizers, boy did those knock me out and made me groggy all day.

Anyway the doctor was right, 3 weeks later I was back to normal. And the biggest thing I've learned is that I am The General Pickerupper. Over that time I've watched my house gain a sea of debris on the floor which ebbs and flows as my son and husband pick them up or, in the case of the latter, move them to another patch of carpet. There are toys (of course, I live with a three year old), but without me doing a daily whiz round the toys stay where they were dropped.

There's more than toys though, there's a piece of white thread that's been shouting out from the hall carpet. There's the bits around the waste paper bins, the dry cat food not in the cat bowl, tiny pieces of clear plastic that you can only spot in a certain light, the list goes on.

Then there's the things I couldn't do for my son. Little man has had to walk all the way to nursery instead of being carried, getting him in and out the bath or on the toilet was a challenge and picking him up for a hug was a no go. He has been really good about it, asking me about my back and helping me out as parts of our daily routine were tweaked.

So now my back is fine, as if it never happened, the house is clean and everything is in it's place but it's  good to remember these things because although it doesn't seem too big now, at the time it was massive.

A weekend of family and friends

Apart from me suffering from a sudden and painful bad back since Friday evening, this weekend has been a perfect example of how the move has changed our lives for the better.

On Saturday we had friends over. Little Miss D is Charlie's age and I met her Mama through NetMums Meet a Mum when we were both pregnant. They moved to the countryside pretty soon afterwards and although we seem to only meet up once or twice a year we all get on really well when we do. Plus we had yet to meet little Master E, D's almost 7 month old baby brother. He is a lovely, chubby baby, reminding me a lot of C when he was that age, but sooo laid back.

The new house meant we could easily host a day here, we chatted and caught up, used the new Panini maker for lunch, had delicious home baked chocolate cake made by little Miss D and her mama and risked a walk to the park. The two toddlers loved the play park, C was enticed to try out a new slide because little Miss D did but then the rain started and so we splashed our way home in the sudden wind and rain with a broken buggy wheel.

Today we played host again and had Tom's brother, son and parents over for a barbeque. The weather stayed sunny (apart from a random 5 min shower just as we'd finished eating) and little cousin M was able to see our house for the first time. The two boys are both train mad, we had Thomas Take n Play spread out across the lounge and after lunch I took them up to Charlie's room and we got the brio tracks out. These two cousins get on so well now, it's lovely to watch them together, yes there are squabbles over toys, but there are plenty of hugs and kisses, plus little M had learned to say 'hello' since we last saw him, so he had fun saying it to Charlie throughout the afternoon.

Our kitten Baxter had a great time both days. At 10 weeks old he is incredibly friendly, a little scratchy and really brave, both days after 5 minutes getting used to the guests he was right in the middle of it, being petted and played with and generally running around everyone.

So suburban living continues to work well for us. The additional space means we can happily host at ours and have the room to fit everyone in.

 



From top, L-R - Cat fishing, driving the tractor in the play park (his favourite thing to do), scooting with Dad, Violet bear goes down the slide, C&D at the top of the climbing frame, more tractor driving for C, upside down cat, spotted belly cat, 2x Bax, cousins, on sheep with Daddy, cat fishing 2, cat  fishing 3.

Cinema date night

Last night hubs and I saw We're the Millers at a preview screening in Leicester Square. We had a little time to kill beforehand so made like tourists and checked out the M&M store, which  although I only work 5 mins away from, I'd never been to. It was so truly terrible it was good, though really really busy and completely overpriced. On the walls were rainbows of pick n mix M&Ms which were pretty, but the amount of additional merchandise was astounding. I bought a small bag of pick n mix and we fought our way out of the crowds and into Leicester Sq.

 

T had won tickets on Twitter to the screening and we got a free drink and popcorn. As an unannounced bonus the director came in and talked for a few minutes about making the film, that he'd just flown into the UK for tomorrow's premiere and that one of his favourite actors from the film, Will Poulter, is a Brit.

 

It was hilarious, similar comedy to Dodgeball (same director) and the perfect start to our Tuesday night date nights. It was like we were students again except in this comedy about a fake family we got all the in-house jokes about parenting. Jennifer Anniston shone in her bad girl role as Rose and Will Poulter was truly brilliant, particularly in the spider bite and Waterfalls scenes.

 

 

Date night

One unforseen bonus of moving closer to the in-laws is that C's grandparents have offered to collect C from nursery on a Tuesday and have him overnight so they can look after him on a Weds without us having to drop him off in the morning. It's super nice and means T and I have a whole evening to ourselves.

Not only that but with my office move and T's new job, we both work in central London, so can have Tuesday night date nights in town! Something that hasn't happened since 2005 when I was a bookseller on Oxford St and T was an office admin near Bedford Sq.

I'm looking to make the most of this free time and to do something nice at least once a month. T has already won cinema tickets to a private screening in Leicester Square, so date night is getting off to a good start!

Meet our new kitty

On Saturday we got a kitten!

 

I wanted a female to even up the boy girl ratio of our household and a tortoiseshell, because they're so pretty but there weren't any tortoiseshells around so we agreed to go and look at a tabby kitten. There were two tabbies a boy and a girl and of course the first one we caught was the boy, so we put him back, picked up the girl took her home.

 

Charlie was so excited, the carrier was strapped in next to his seat in the car and Penny our new kitten made little mewing noises all the way home. It was love at first sight for all three of us, she was so small, 8 weeks old and v pretty!

 

When we got home we opened the door of the carrier in the area we've made for her in the end room and after taking a few photos left Penny to get used to our house.

 

 

She came out of the carrier and ran under the table where she stayed. To give her time to adjust and with a three year old who could only focus on the new cat, we decided to leave the house. We went to buy kitten supplies as we'd waited to buy food and litter so we could get the same brands as she was used to.

 

By the time we got back Penny was so brave she came and let us stroke her, she ate her lunch and then followed us into the living room. It was as we were playing with her on the sofa that she rolled over and showed us her speckled belly and also the fact that she was definitely not a girl. So Penny has become Baxter, a mischievous, friendly, toddler tolerant (to an extent) kitten, and although we've only had him for a week, he's fitted into the household perfectly.

 

 

Drusillas Wildlife Park

As we didn't get the keys to our holiday house until 3pm we wanted to make the most if our first day, so instead of driving down the A3 from London to Portsmouth we decided to go due south towards Brighton and the drive along the post to our hol house in Pagham. On the way we went to Drusillas, a wonderful small zoo perfect for a day out with a toddler.

 

The inhabitants were small, monkeys, meerkats, penguins, farm animals etc. And an added bonus for my little train fan, they have a Thomas train with Annie and Clarabel carriages giving rides around the site. The only problem was that you had to walk through the whole zoo before you could go on Thomas, and this was very hard for a 3 year old who could see his favourite train but not understand why we couldn't go on it immediately. If we go again we will take the shortcut at the start which takes you to the picnic area at the end where the Tidmouth Halt station was and then see the animals.

 

When I asked Charlie what his favourite part was afterwards he didn't say the Thomas ride, his best thing was milking a cow! Not a real one but a life-sized model which squirted water from it's tests. C and Daddy had a go and my little bit loved it.

 

Other highlights were seeing baby Fenwick fox, looking through a giraffe periscope and feeding time at the penguins. We popped bubbles in the picnic area and had lots of fun on a rickety bridge in the adventure playground. In the Thomas gift shop at the end Daddy bought C a Spencer train for his collection. C was disappointed at first as he couldn't choose but as soon as little cousin M started showing an interest jealousy kicked in and Spencer is now a firm favourite!

 

 

Holiday snapshot

We've just got back from a week at the seaside, on the south coast in Pagham. Nana and Grandad booked the cottage and Uncle A and Cousin M came to stay for the first weekend. We all had so much fun, C loved spending time with his little cousin and absolutely adored our days on the beach.

The weather was beautiful, hot sunshine for most of the time, with a monster rainy day half way through, thunder, lightning the works!

I'm still going through the photos but here's a few of my favourites:

 

1 - We walked past these hydrangeas on our daily 2 min walk to the beach

2 -  Seagulls on Bognor seafront

3 - Trying on Mama's shades

4 - Thomas train at Drusilla's Wildlife Park

5 - Kicking the waves with Daddy

6 - Sunset on our beach at Pagham

7 - Mama and C-bear

8 - Holiday house

9 & 10 - Paddling pool fun 

Living in suburbia

A quick post about our move last month which got lost in the draft folder.

The move was an absolute nightmare, the three of us were ill and my plans to clear the flat in one weekend didn't bear fruit. So there is still a massive amount to move next weekend as well as a big clean up of the flat. The sofas wouldn't fit, the landlord is away on a family emergency, we had to saw through a padlock on the side gate and even with babygates up I'm in constant fear of C falling down the stairs. For the next two weeks it's a three hour trip to take C to his old nursery before going onto work and coming home with him in a jampacked commuter train is no fun.

However the little joys of moving out to the suburbs are a balm to my exhausted body and frazzled brain.

The garden is a major plus point. Mum bought us some plants and C a little red watering can. Mum-in-law bought me a pink watering can and a broom. C and I spend our evenings watering the plants and admiring the one strawberry which in just two days is turning from white to pink.

Chatting to neighbours is lovely, there's a friendly older couple nextdoor who have a grandson C's age in Singapore and the lady nextdoor but one welcomed me to the 'garden club', all three gardens have low walls so it's rude not to chat and all three of us have names beginning with M.

Walking to the station is pleasant, I love being nosy and looking at everyone's well tended gardens and the few people we see early in the morning will often say hello.

So we're pleased to be in but exhausted.

Commuting with the boy

Sorry for the lack of posts, the past month has been busy busy busy! We've finally got through it and I now have two(ish) weeks off work, first to settle the boy in his new nursery and then we're going to the seaside for a week.

But the last three weeks have been exhausting, mainly because at the start or end of each day we've been doing 3 hour commutes with the boy to go from our new house to London Bridge, from London Bridge to his nursery and then back into London Bridge to go to work. Leaving at 6am and getting home at 7pm was not fun, but that is over now and I am enjoying a Sunday evening with a cold beer and the patio door open.

The boy was an absolute star, he loved going on the trains and we could bribe him with 'wriggly worms' (fruit strings) to help keep him happy and to have a 'quiet voice' on the train. Most of the trains were so early that we got seats easily, but the 2nd evening train was a nightmare, full on commuter cattle trucks, with me often having to hold the boy, squashed by those around us. We would usually get given a seat, but only 3-4 stations along when people had started to get off and there was room to get anywhere near the seats.

Here's a montage of the boy being good on our commutes in (I hardly took any photos on the way home, it was just too busy and stressful!)

However, watering the garden in the evening during this current heat wave was a lovely way to relax, and C really enjoyed filling his little red can up and helping Mama.

His last day at 'old nursery' was sad, everyone got hugs and kisses, he got given toys by his favourite two carers and we've promised to visit soon. He understands that he's left and doesn't seem too worried, but we will see what happens when it sinks in that he won't be seeing his old friends every day.

Moving house

Next weekend we're moving house, we're saying goodbye to our 2 bed flat near Crystal Palace and moving to the 'burbs further east to be closer to T's family. After writing about the disappointment of losing our first house choice,  over the last couple of weeks our new house has grown on me. It's a detached, 3 bed with a GARDEN (so happy about that last part) and we reckon it's well over double the size of our current place.

We viewed it again yesterday and took C-bear along to see it. Whilst I measured up for curtains and washing machines with J, T took C for a house tour and the little man was so excited, happy to see his new room and the garden in particular. He's really happy about the move and has yet to see the possible down sides (leaving his best friend and the nursery he loves) so can't wait for next weekend.

So this weekend has been a flurry of signing papers, paying deposits, packing up boxes and making two (yes two) Ikea trips (Lakeside didn't have the curtain rod part we wanted so we went to Croydon too). My Pinterest house moving inspiration boards have grown with a flurry of pin ides. Now it is quiet time, the boy is having a quick nap before I take him down to soft play to meet his best friend and T continues packing boxes.

Boards for our new home:
New home (general bits and pieces we'll need once we move)
Rooms with red carpet (the house is all red red red carpet and cream walls)
Train themed bedroom ideas (for C's new big boy room)
Mint bathroom (the new place has a terrible retro mint bathroom suite)
Garden things (I can't wait to get some containers growing)
Toddler garden fun (we'll have space for the paddling pool this summer)

Q&A with a three year old

Spontaneous questions whilst sitting on the sofa with my boy, these are his word for word answers!

What's your favourite colour - Blue and Green
What's your favourite food - Meatballs
What's your favourite drink - Water, we have two taps in our house
What's your favourite TV programme - Dora
Who's your favourite character - Dora and Peppa
What's your favourite toy - Thomas's, I like all the Thomas's because I got those for my birthday
What's your favourite song - I like chocolate bar, twinkle twinkle chocolate bar
How old are you? I'm 3
Who's your best friend? Little Miss C and Little Miss I and Little Miss A
Who's your best friend who's a boy? Me and little master J and cousin M
What other question should I ask you? Ummm chocolate bar...

House hunting blues

Last week the realities of life delivered another blow to our future family happiness. We'd found that rare thing, an almost perfect house and were due to move in at the end of the month. It was within budget and like a TARDIS inside, with a beautiful large living space, newly decorated rooms throughout and a garden. It was two mins from the station, five mins from our dream nursery and twenty mins from the in laws. We had paid the holding deposit and waited two weeks for our credit check to come through, I chased last week and the estate agent said yes we'd passed, so the house was ours. Except it wasn't. An hour later I had a message to call the agent back. My heart sank, I already knew something would be wrong, the wording he used wasn't "I've sorted out that second viewing you wanted so you can come and measure up", it was "call me". I was on a packed bus on my way back from a meeting at the British Museum with a colleague and wham, my heart was broken a little bit more. The landlord had rented our house to a family member who could move in immediately. Even though we'd paid the holding deposit and passed the credit check there was nothing we could do. Sometimes life really sucks.

So last weekend was a whirlwind of Internet searches and house viewings and (fingers crossed) we've found another. I'm not in love with it yet, my heart is still with the little red and white house that slipped away, but this new house has all the ingredients to make a lovely family home. I paid the deposit yesterday and we're waiting to hear back, so we'll see.

To keep me sane I've been creating a mass of Pinterest boards to find some inspiration.

Boards include:
New home (general bits and pieces we'll need once we move)
Rooms with red carpet (the house is all red red red carpet and cream walls)
Train themed bedroom ideas (for C's new big boy room)
Mint bathroom (the new place has a terrible retro mint bathroom suite)
Garden things (I can't wait to get some containers growing)
Toddler garden fun (we'll have space for the paddling pool this summer)

Racing at Crystal Palace

There's been car races at Crystal Palace since 1899! Now it only takes place once a year, this weekend, the May Spring bank holiday. We've never been but I do have a framed picture from an old GWR ad hanging on the wall, so thought it was probably a good idea to experience it for ourselves.

We packed a picnic and headed across the road to see the races. We met little friend T and his mama and the boys had lots of fun.

Highlights included; having a go on real diggers (C and I had to hook ducks from a pond, whilst R and T had to knock down skittles), seeing inside the car's engines and watching the barrel train (a quad bike pulling multiple barrels on wheels.

The races were timed and we saw loads of vintage cars circling around the track. We had a lovely picnic at the top of the hill looking down onto the race track.

It was a lot of fun and so close to home! When C is a little bigger we will definitely look at going to other races and air shows etc. as C didn't appreciate fully just yet but I'm sure he will.

Beach holiday fun

I've been having lots of fun over the past month creating some new boards on my Pinterest account and thought it would be nice to share them here.

This board is inspired by all things seaside, just looking at these pins makes me think of sunny days with wind swept, salty hair and sand between the toes. See for yourself - Beach Holiday Fun.

Blue sky in London

The weather so far this May has been driving me crazy. Way too cold and wet with depressing grey skies. It was pretty cold today but the sky was beautiful, brilliant blue with cotton wool clouds. I captured it on my journey to work.

St Martin's in the Field, The National Gallery, The Shard from London Bridge Station and the bottom of Hay Market. Beautiful.

How miscarriage changes you

Taking from Pinterest - Inspiration After Miscarriage

 

Until it happened to me I was extremely naive about miscarriage. It was something I learned about in A'level Biology or something that happened to other women. Surely it happens to those who smoke, or drink or take drugs during pregnancy, to those who are really underweight or hugely overweight or who are pregnant for the first time. When I fell pregnant with our 2nd child it did not even occur to me that I might lose him.

 

None of my close friends has ever miscarried and the only person I knew who had was a friend I rarely see. At the time I passed on my commiserations but didn't think of a miscarriage as the major life changer I now know it to be. And that's the strange thing about miscarriage it's rarely talked about and if you haven't experienced one it's simply a sad, unfortunate fact of life. It's all there in Biology class, the chromosomes don't match up so the baby doesn't develop. When learning this at 17 I never thought that one day I would lose my baby in this way and when you experience it its far more than a case of too many or too few chromosomes.

 

When I lost my baby at 12 weeks, it wasn't simple biology because there's a whole emotional side that's never taught. I lost a baby. It doesn't matter that it was only 3 months along and the size of a plum, invested in that baby was a whole lifetime of hopes and dreams that will now never be lived and it's changed me completely.

 

I'm no longer the woman who walked happily into that scan two months ago, nor am I the woman who 12 weeks before thought a 2nd pregnancy would be as easy as the first, nor am I the woman who 4 months before that started trying for a 2nd baby and began investing in dreams about the future. I laugh and joke and look the same (though I tried hard not to with a haircut and new clothes) but the loss is always with me. It is there when I wake up and there when I go to sleep and is only kept at bay by keeping busy.

 

My boots and nails have never been so polished, nor the laundry so up to date. The hallway junk cupboard has been cleared out and everything is in clearly labelled boxes. I've signed up for another 5 weeks of Pilates and am thinking about running once a week in the evenings. Charlie's baby equipment has been catalogued and offered to be lent to my brother's first born due later this year and I'm committed to my work book club. I'm desperately trying to live the path I find myself walking to the full but inside I know something is horribly broken.

 

I have lost my inner calm, am quick to anger and will cry at the slightest thing. I've lost my ability to make small talk and find concentrating hard. My confidence has disappeared. Inside I am an emotional wreck, no longer the woman I once was. Time bends, it stretches and shrinks but so far time has not been the healer it is often promised to be.

 

There is now the added whirl of trying again, not to replace what was lost but to complete our family. There are date calculations and ovulation tests and a lot of being frustrated by the waiting. A lot of time trying not to think about it going wrong again and a lot of time trying to dodge pregnant women (who are everywhere in London). Every time I see a swollen belly I feel a blow in mine, a deep ache for what might have been. This week I would have been 5 months along and over half way through. Instead I am waiting for two lines on a stick to be the same colour so we can begin the whole process again and it hurts.

Charlie's 3rd Birthday - A Day Out With Thomas

Last week the boy turned 3 and for his birthday we decided to let him do the one thing he's been asking about for ages, a steam train ride. This boy is so into trains, he lives, breathes and dreams about them and Thomas the Tank Engine is absolutely number one for him at the moment.

The Spa Valley Railway was holding a Day Out With Thomas, so 11 of us went to help Charlie celebrate, including his little cousin M who loved the trains too.

It was really well set up, designed to be so exciting for little boys (and girls) with a Thomas addiction like our son. When we received the tickets in the post there was a message from Thomas to Charlie, we've read it many times. On the day, all the staff were really friendly and the Fat Controller was wandering around meeting everyone, he stopped and talked to Charlie and me for a long time and even though the boy was a little scared, he liked talking about having met the Fat Controller afterwards. Other staff members gave out Thomas books, we now have two new stories to read, and there was a balloon man on the train who made balloons for all the kids. Charlie got a white dog, little cousin M got a yellow parrot and Aunty N got a cool flower hat.

The train ride was fun though quite short, we were on the ride for 45 mins, but that included 15/20 mins at a station down the line waiting for the train to turn round. We rode inside Daisy who was being pulled by Spartan. Thomas was there but he doesn't do rides so that everyone can see him. As we were leaving the station the Thomas train went past our carriage pushing oil drums.

So a great day out and a good price, £9 for children and £11 for adults, which included the free books, balloons, ride on the train, talking to the Fat Controller and time to play at the 'imagination station' which had brio tracks and other games plus a Punch and Judy.

We'd packed a picnic to have at the station, but realised there was no space at Tunbridge Wells West, so on the way back to Nana and Grandad's house we all stopped at Hall Place in Kent for our picnic. It started great, but the grey clouds soon came in and we had to make a dash to the car . Nevertheless Charlie had a great day and hasn't stopped talking about it since.

Charlie's 3rd Birthday - Cakes

Making birthday cakes for my son is something I take really seriously. My Mum used to make epic cakes for me, I had treasure chests, fairy toadstool houses and even a roller boot, and I want Charlie to have similar great birthday memories. Plus he won't be able to remember the early birthdays but we'll always have photos of him and his cake, so his memories of the first three birthdays will be solely created by the photos we've taken.

For his first birthday I made this hedgehog cake:

When he was two, I took the day off work to make him this Gruffalo cake:

He loves the Gruffalo, plus years before he was born I worked at Macmillan Children's Books, so the Gruffalo is a particularly special book for me. I wrote this 2nd birthday post last year.

So I needed to find something special for his third birthday. After doing some research on Pinterest (check out my Birthday Cake Ideas board) and flicking through some cookery books, I decided on a Dinosaur Chocolate Volcano Cake. I got the recipe from The Birthday Cake Book by Fiona Cairns (she made William and Kate's wedding cake!). The instructions looked complicated and the cake needed chilling time before sculpting it in the volcano shape, so this year I took two days off work.

The instructions were easy to follow, there were just loads of them. I made the grass with granulated sugar and green food colouring and the volcanic lava rocks with homemade cinder toffee (sticky but a brilliant home science lesson with syrup, sugar, white vinegar and bicarbonate of soda). The dinosaurs were supplied by Charlie (he picked his two favourites to sit next to the cake). The part that made it so spectacular was the indoor firework fountain in the centre. When we lit it Charlie's eyes went wide, he loved the erupting volcano. We had to wait for the sparkler to stop and then he could blow out the candles (his favourite part).

To add to the cake making this year I made a mini train cake for his actual birthday day. I hadn't planned to but on Sunday he turned to me and with real excitement said "and Mummy on my birthday on Wednesday I'll blow out three candles on my cake". Luckily Granny had given C some train shaped muffin moulds as an early birthday present, so I practised making the chocolate marble cake recipe and we had a mini train cake on the actual day. I had some gold cake glitter spray which worked really well on the galaxy minstrel wheels and the cake to make it look metallic.

 

Linking up for Mama Memoirs with Mandy @ A Sorta Fairytale:

Last day as a two year old

A busy bank holiday Monday

Today Charlie and I caught up with friends and enjoyed the beautiful May Day sunshine.

 

First up I went for a run this morning. Yes. Me. A run. I used to run all the time but haven't for years, not really since before C was born. So with some early morning sunshine and Tom watching C, I put on my gym kit and headed for the park. Obviously I was pretty rubbish, but it was fun and lovely to see the early morning sun light sparkling on the whole of the city as I stood at the top of the hill.

After a quick shower and picnic making session, C and I went out to the park again and met up with his best friend and her mama. They've been on holiday for a couple of weeks and C has been asking about little Miss C for ages. They had fun at the play park, watching the birds on the lake and playing football on the grass. Plus C was a champ using his potty in the park.

 

 

 

Back at home I picked up the picnic, C used the potty and we set out again. This time to our local museum to catch up with some NCT friends. The three boys had lots of fun together, seeing the fish, blowing bubbles and eating outside on picnic blankets in the sunshine. After lunch we wandered over to the sheep, then on the way home as the buses were running late, the boys were excited to get the train. C was not so much of a potty training champ with two accidents but he countered that with one proper potty use, so not all bad.

 

 



Back home I did some baking for Wednesday (little cake for C to have on his actual birthday) whilst the boys watched the muppets.

Bank holidays spent at home are the best.

Urchfont Scarecrow Festival 2013

This year's scarecrow festival was excellent, the theme was Singers which my husband excelled at, we think we may have got all 53 of them correct, but won't know until the end of the bank holiday weekend when they publish the answers.

When we went a couple of years ago in 2011 Charlie was almost one, so although he liked being in the buggy and walking around the village he didn't really appreciate the scarecrows. This year we didn't take a buggy and he walked/was carried which meant he could spot and run up to the scarecrows. He was pretty good, though we had a lot of tears when he fell off the curb and grazed his hand. Grandad bought him a toy scarecrow which he loved, and got v upset when we lost it on the walk, Grandad kindly bought him another one, and there was no pulling the wool over this boy's eyes, even though it looked exactly the same, he knew it wasn't the same one!

David Bowie was the most extravagant, but I also really liked Liam Gallagher, Bob Dylan and Johnny Rotten. The weather was wonderfully sunny, so warm we could get an ice cream and lots of beautiful blue sky to help make the photos look great.

Toddler days out - Emmetts Garden

 Day out number two with our National Trust membership and a toddler.

 

The sun came out today so we packed a picnic and looked for a NT place within easy driving distance of South London. As we're mid potty training we didn't want a stately home so somewhere with lots of outside space sounded perfect, we decided on Emmetts Garden in Kent. This is the Edwardian garden of a stately home, but only the garden part is open to the public. Perfect.

 

There was so much to explore so we'll go back again another time, but we did a quick loop of the first garden and then made our way to the picnic field where we sat up camp. The National Trust run this place with family fun in mind. There was a little log cabin filled with outdoor lawn games (bowls, cricket etc) and as I sat down with Charlie (whilst Daddy went back to the car for the picnic) a kind member of staff brought me over two deckchairs. The boy loved the deckchairs, he hopped in and out of them and I was relegated to the picnic blanket as we ate our lunch.

 

We took the slingshute and the boys had fun throwing it up up into the air and running to catch the parachute and Charlie was a potty training genius. He sat on the travel potty in the toilet stall with me and again by the car, proving that we can take him out for a day without any embarrassing accidents. We ate cheese and ham sandwiches, teddy bear crispies, strawberries and raspberries and homemade gingerbread. And I took LOADS of photos, making the most of the blue sky and two happy boys.





 

 

Insta catch up

Some of the things we've been doing this April, taken from my Instagram feed.

- Cheeky morning face
- Jar of jelly beans
- Ill boy lying on a log in the park
- Blossom and blue sky - one of my favourite types of photo
- Boy running in the park
- More blossom
- Burying the Typewriter - memoir of a Romanian childhood under the eyes of the Secret Police
- Yogurt EVERYWHERE
- Slingshute in the park
- C loves running after the parachute and bringing it back to us
- Wilf
- Stanley
- Boys at cousin M's 2nd birthday
- New bedding (far too girly for T's liking)
- House of Rumour and a latte
- Skeleton C
- Horsing around
- M's birthday cupcakes

Miscarriage - six weeks on

 

I felt it was time to put down in words how I'm coping after finding out about my silent miscarriage on 12th March. Six weeks feels like the right time to do this, if I'd chosen to let nature take it's course, six weeks was the maximum time that it could happen safely without surgical intervention. Some days it feels like I've been grieving forever and also like no time at all has passed, but looking back, I'm glad I chose the surgery option and had my ERPC two days after finding out rather then waiting until now for it to happen naturally.

 

I've got all these little bits and pieces bumping around my head, so will write them down as coherently as possible to help me continue to move forward.

 

- Daily wobbles. Nothing's lessened with time, I still feel all the grief I did on that day six weeks ago. At the moment it's like I'm split in two, my rational self who can cope with day to day living and is in control 90% of the time  and my emotional self who is one step away from a whole vortex of grief. Sometimes I wobble but can take that step back and sometimes I fall into it completely.Things that have triggered this in the last few weeks are:

• The doctor's not updating their system so I was sent a text reminding me of an appointment. When I phoned up (during work) to find out what the appointment was for, it was my 16 week midwife check up. Gutting. I had a big wobble, shed some tears but was able to pull it together and be back at my desk before anyone noticed.

• My book group discussing a book I'd read almost a year ago, I'd brushed up on the main facts but forgotten the heroine has a miscarriage at the start of the book. When this came up in the conversation I had a tiny wobble but held my breath and blinked my eyes and mentally coaxed myself away from the vortex so as not to break down in front of others.

• My son casually saying to me 'when we have our baby', he's too little to understand that after two months of telling him he'd be a big brother in the future that future is much further away.

• I'm currently off work with a gastric stomach bug, being violently sick brought back too many raw memories from the last week of my pregnancy when I was sick on a daily basis.

• My worst situation was a curve ball taking me completely by surprise and happened when sorting out holiday at work. This wasn't a wobble I was fully taken over by grief and had to leave the office. It was drizzling and I went to a nearby square, sat on a bench in the rain and just cried and cried and the really scary thing was that I couldn't stop. I couldn't calm down, all I could think about was that when we booked that holiday I would have been 7 months pregnant and now I won't be. I should have gone home, but had a commitment I couldn't get out of that evening, so after a long time looking like a crazy person in the rain, I dried my eyes and read my book over a latte in a nearby coffee shop until I'd calmed down enough to return to work.

- No secret. When you have a miscarriage it's like you've been forced to lay all your cards on the table. The months of trying to conceive and then hiding early pregnancy have been a happy secret and suddenly wham, the news is out there, family and friends and colleagues all know that you want another baby. I believe we were right to tell the people we did about the miscarriage, but now, six weeks down the line, it's uncomfortable having so many people holding this knowledge and waiting to hear that you're pregnant again.

 

- Draft posts. I have a few draft posts I wrote about the pregnancy and was waiting to publish further down the line once we'd announced it. Yesterday I accidently deleted one, it was called 'Morning Sickness and Other Fun Things' and basically complained about how sick I was feeling at 8 weeks but how worthwhile it would all be in 7 months time. I wrote it on my phone using the blogger app and assumed it had synced to my main account. Yesterday I had issues with the app so uninstalled it and when I reinstalled it that post was missing. When I feel strong enough I guess I need to edit the others into one post, including the week by week stat images I'd started to create, and then publish them, because I don't think I could bear accidently losing any more.

 

-Saying Goodbye. Another blogger recommended this website and I've found it really useful, I'm now seriously considering attending one of the cathedral services.

 

-Pinterest. Surprisingly putting together a board on Pinterest has been really helpful. It's secret board at the moment, but there are so many inspirational pins with quotes and help and beautiful images that I wish I'd discovered it sooner. My favourites make up the image at the start of this post.

 

Currently

Currently we're enjoying a weekend at home and starting take two on potty training the boy. I'd planned to keep him inside all day with just his new big boy pants on, but the sunshine was so lovely we postponed losing the pull-up until late in the afternoon. C and I had a great walk, I remembered to take my proper camera instead of my phone camera and got some gorgeous shots of him and he remembered to take his football and had lots of fun chasing after it.

When we finally put the pants on at (ahem...) 4pm, he was a little star with proper potty usage and no accidents until bed time.